Can't Let Go
by Mononoke-hime x sukai kurora
Summary: Sasuke cannot forgive himself for his past actions. As he walks towards the only home he has, he thinks about what he had done and of the people that have forgiven him despite him not forgiving himself.


_Can't Let Go _

It took time, but Sasuke had finally reached home. _Home, _he thought with surprising bliss. How the word had eluded him since that night when he was seven years old. He never thought he would ever have a home again. The life that he thought he had would have been a bleak existence complete with blood and violence, and the blissfully, death. At age seventeen, he had thought that he would die – and he would fine with that, all long as he completed his goal. He had wanted, toward the end of the war, to create a world where no one would have to suffer the life that his brother Itachi had suffered; a life of sacrifice, loneliness, and sorrow. He had thought that if he had accepted the darkness that his world would have for him, peace would be a reality. Sasuke sighed, looking up at the sky as the clouds moved overhead. The pale blue sky and the soft spring wind that caressed his face, just as she had done many times before.

As he walked through the gates with his single-minded purpose, he continued thinking about his past. When he was not even a genin, his brother had slaughtered their entire clan before his eyes, letting the horror and despair overwhelm his young mind and causing the very mind to shatter into little sharp pieces…never to grow back again. How many times had he been deceived? Itachi had lied to him, telling him the very lies that would cause his younger brother to abandon the village he loved and eventually kill him.

When he had found out the truth, Sasuke had wanted to believe it was a lie. Itachi had been a murder, a traitor, an inhumane ghost living in human flesh that had wanted to take his eyes, his _light_. It was now, as many times before, that Sasuke realized that he didn't believe Tobi's words because he was afraid of the truth. Tears, stinging against his cheeks, stained against his face as he cried. As the tender memories of his beloved older brother came through, Sasuke was forced to admit the truth. His brother had loved him to the very end, and had served only as a tool for that disgusting village. He had declared his intensions to Taka that day. He still recalled of the beautiful sunset that day, its golden and pink rays echoing against his eyes. The brightness hadn't looked beautiful to him then. It had looked dull and ugly. Only now with observing the world unclouded by hate did Sasuke see the beauty. Sasuke had been disappointed when he learned that Konohagakure was destroyed. But he had a new goal then. Kill Danzō for his part in the Uchiha Clan Massacre.

Sasuke never thought that he would go down a deeper path of darkness. He didn't think he would simply discard his comrades like lifeless, useless tools. What madness had consumed him? He remembered the face of Karin, blood dripping down her mouth as he tore through her with his Chidori Spear. He would never forget that face. More than ten years after the war, and he hadn't forgotten it. Sasuke had almost killed Karin – finished her off, he thought then – when Sakura had appeared. He hadn't seen her since she had tried to take him back to that place. Sasuke observed her, noting of how she was different somehow. Instead of the fragility and helplessness he had been familiar with, he saw a kind of determination in her gaze. He had expected her to try to kill him.

_How selfless she was at that moment, _Sasuke thought now to himself. He broke away from his morose thoughts and stared at the sights before him. Most people shied away or didn't look at him, afraid, as they should be. Sasuke remembered of when Naruto had asked him if he was willing to become a shinobi again after four years of travelling. Sasuke had not replied, but the pensive expression on his friend's face showed him that he understood his answer. Kakashi had still been the Hokage then, but Naruto was gaining more influence in village matters. When his ex-sensei had asked him the same question hours before his departure, Sasuke had replied the same way. Kakashi hadn't been silent, and stated quietly, "Are you sure about this, Sasuke?" The disappointment wasn't there. There was something…different. "Now that you have a wife and a child to support, shouldn't you become a shinobi again so you can support them?" Sasuke had replied that his journey was yet unfinished, and he was surprised when an understanding, and sympathetic look appeared in in ex-sensei's eyes.

Disappointment had clouded in his ex-sensei's gaze when he attempted to kill Sakura. _"No matter how low Orochimaru fell…Sarutobi still loved him." _His voice had contained a heavy sadness as he prepared to kill one of his beloved students. Sasuke had only looked at him with unrelenting hate. _"I've been aching to kill you…Kakashi." _It was then, that he believed, that his desire to destroy started to surface. He didn't want to destroy just Konohagakure. He wanted to destroy everything. Everything that lived. Everything that breathed. Nothing mattered as long as everything was reduced to dust and charred bones, and beautiful screams echoing in his ears. Sasuke felt guilt every time he walked across the world. How could he have wanted to destroy everything? There was so much beauty, so much tenderness in this world now that he saw the world without hate and an aching heart.

Despite the passage of ten years after the Fourth Shinobi World War, Sasuke could still not trust himself to look in anyone's eyes. He could only see what the hatred he had for himself whenever he had tried. Naruto had told him many times that he had forgiven for what he had done in the past. _"It's over already!" _The blond Hokage had yelled at his friend. _"We're what, twenty-six now? Everyone's moved on, Sasuke! Everyone except you!" _The recent Hokage had not looked at him in exasperation as he thought he would, but undisguised pleading. _"Please…Sasuke. Can't you just…let it go?"_

_ "No," _Sasuke had replied to his friend. And without looking back, he had left.

It was interesting how their roles were now reversed. Naruto had been shunned and hated for almost his entire childhood, and Sasuke had been deeply respected and thought as a promise for the future. Now even with his five year old daughter by his side, he could still hear the whispers, the glares, and the hate seeping from their mouths. One of the reasons why he was uncomfortable in Konohagakure was because he didn't felt like he belonged. Sasuke remembered of how Sarada, with her big eyes staring across his face, asking him why they whispered when he was around. Sasuke hadn't replied. He simply was silent throughout as he and his daughter walked to their home. He had left an hour later.

Sasuke still didn't feel that he had he had been forgiven for what he had done. He had so much blood on his hands, stained despite the years gone by, and he didn't think he was ready for forgiveness…no matter how close people to his heart thought so. He didn't _deserve _forgiveness. Sasuke thought about of what Itachi had promised his as he bid farewell. _"No matter what you do from here on out…I will love you always." _He had thought he had found the answer when he had met the four Hokage, and more so when he declared a revolution. Had he found an answer to his broken heart? It didn't ache anymore, but it was still broken. How wrong he had been.

Sasuke didn't believe he should be a shinobi. Despite of the long years since the war and of his bloody past, he didn't think people trusted him. He had visited the lands of faraway places, and had observed life with his eyes. And yet he didn't think people would accept him for who he was, and what he had done. …Except for one person. _Sakura. _A soft smile played on his lips when he thought of his wife. For fourteen years she had loved him unconditionally. Just as his brother had. Her love was like the waves that cooled his feet as he walked the beaches along his travels, as warm as the sun, and everlasting as life itself. Sasuke hadn't seen her for three years since the end of the war, and he still remembered the affection that surged through him when he poked her gently on the forehead. _"Thank you…"_

The woman that had loved him since she had seen him as a child had grown into the strongest woman Sasuke had seen. She had grown not out of a prestigious clan, a kekkei genkai, or innate talent. She had simply worked hard, harder than most…something that Sasuke had to respect. Sasuke had said as much when they had met again during the Konohagakure Spring Festival. Naruto had recently married Hinata, and had just given birth to their first child, a boy named Bolt. He had seen her watching the cherry blossoms and the moonlight as it shined over the stars. Sasuke had thought he had never seen her as beautiful as he did in that moment. He had only meant to stay for a month, obscured by the festival and avoiding his teammates as much as he could. He hadn't expected in that short amount of time, he would fall in love with her. Sasuke and Sakura were married in early March. Only his former team and Hinata had come, but the moment was more blissful than Sasuke could have imagined. Then in a warm day in November, his daughter was born.

Sarada was born a month early, but that did not cease for quiet happiness that surged through his wife's heart and the smile that echoed across his face. Sasuke remembered of how small she was then, with only a small tuft of black hair and blinking obsidian eyes. Her small form was held tenderly in his arms, her warmth and innocence radiating through him. He had not expected that he would cry. Now his daughter was six years old, recently enrolled in the Academy. He remembered his joy of when she showed him her grades. Perfect marks. Unlike his father, he would never tell her to reach something beyond her reach. He would love her, no matter what she did. Sasuke had wondered how she would react if she found of the truth about his past. Would she hate him? Or would she be proud of him? As of right now, Sarada loved him despite his long absences and quiet presence. She had beamed at him when he had told the same words that his father had told him as a child, telling her she could now wear the Uchiha crest proudly on her back. _She doesn't know of the darkness of the Uchiha clan, or of me, _Sasuke thought as a familiar house came into sight. _Will she ever forgive me?_

He would never forgive himself, Sasuke knew, but he was grateful that there were people in his life that did.

A wind chime sang as Sasuke opened the door. A smile played across his face as familiar sights and sounds echoed in his mind. _"Tadaima."_


End file.
